The "F" Word

I know what you're thinking, but it's not that "F" word (although at times, they can be related)
For the purpose of this blog, the "F" Word is forgiveness.

Now as a Christian, I truly believe in the idea of forgiveness. It's just what we are supposed to do. If this is the case, then why am I having such a hard time doing so? I've concluded that forgiveness takes more than just saying the words and making a few required gestures. They are only the tip of the berg! The embodiment of the "F" Word goes deeper than that.

I've dealt with the inital step. Believe it or not, this took an extreme exercise in humility. I had to realize that everything isn't about me all of the time. With this being understood, I now know that even though it seems as such, the wrongdoings of others aren't always a deliberate attack against me.

I also understand that I am harboring feelings of resentment because I cannot seem to release my mental shackles. I know that this affects my actions in almost every realm of my life. Sure, I feel powerless in some instances. Sure, I know that I need to exercise forgiveness in order for me to regain that power. Now this is where I get stuck.

I know there has to be another step in the process because I haven't completely enveloped the true meaning of the "F" Word. I haven't reached it's ultimate goal. I am looking for a way to let some things go and move past the facade of forgiveness and enter into it's true realm.

Suggestions?

Anticipation

Will I blow my fuse?
Or will I play it calm and refuse
to let this situation get the best of me?
I have been tried and tested,
but I shall not be bested,
not like this.
I have talked, yelled, shouted, cried, sighed, and just thrown my hands up.
I've prayed, swayed, weighed the situation, and prayed some more.
It seems I have exhausted my resources.
Played all of my cards.
Yet, I still am at a loss.
I've played the little lady,
played the boss
been the shoulder,
lady rock and boulder.
Where does it end?
Or shall I say when does it truly begin?
My emotions
filled with such true devotion
I hate this cycle we're in
But yet I/we turn around and
Do it again
Does this madness have no end?
Wishing we could start anew
You know back before you knew me
and I really knew u
Maybe we could set this union
on the path of elevation
manifestation
recreation...
or is all this in anticipation of
devastation?

So In Love...

I swear, I am finally realizing the power of love.
Shout out to Stephanie Mills, Kels, Luther, and Celine!

I woke up this morning seemingly more in love than I have ever been.
I don't know if it is something new or if it has been there all along and has just gone unnoticed.
Now don't get me wrong, I have always felt the love.
It just seems that now, suddenly,
It is renewed, restored, reunited, reinstated, or maybe even recreated.
I just know that it has changed.
Grown to a brand new depth.
This is the kind of love that has no boundaries.
It has no limit.

Loving my Creator.

No boundaries.

Loving myself.

No limit.

Loving us because we are one.

Public Enemy #1

1. Why do people feel that they can just say whatever the hell they want to say to you and it is Just Fine?

2. I don't think that's what Mary J. had in mind.

3. Take Hillary for instance, who in the hell does she think she is?

4. I don't blame Barack for telling her to shove her Vice Presidency offer where Bill doesn't shine!

5. Back to #1 for a moment, what's so hard about giving folks a little respect?

6. Bret Favre is tired, so he quit his job. I'm tired, I want to quit mine too! Unfortunately, I haven't been throwing a football all of my life and my bank account shows proof of such.

7. I would love to know what was going to NY Gov. Spizter's mind when he had one of his prostitutes get on a train from NY to Washington. Was the cooch that good that he had to put it on a train?

8. "I have acted in a way that violates my obligations to my family and violates my — or any — sense of right and wrong," he said. "I apologize to the public, whom I promised better." -Eliot Spitzer (formerGov. of NY)

9. Duh! Dude, you think?

10. I so could not have been his wife up there standing next to him at the podium. However, I bet you she knew all along. She's just embarassed because now everyone knows!

11. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate office politics? I tell ya, these folks haven't got a smidgen of a clue.

12. How many times will Flav find "love"? Seriously, VH1, just let it go!

13. I remember when he and Public Enemy were a sign of a political voice in Hip Hop....

14. Remember "911's a Joke?"

15. True brilliance.

16. It's so awful that now Flav is the joke!

17. While I'm on reality TV, I can't say that I would really have wanted to try out for Idol after the initial sales of Jordin Sparks' cd and Ruben, and other artists were dropped from the label.

18. Do you think the US is going to send troops to Kenya before the Kikuya and Kalenjin tribes turn this into Rwanda: The Sequel?

19. Me either! I guess they don't have oil though, right?

20. Commercial radio is so awful! The playlist consists of the same 8 songs and 10 commercial ads. It doesn't matter the station choice, it's all the same.

21. Hence, the Ipod is a "must carry at all times" item!

22. I truly think my Treo is possessed since it rings when no one is calling, hangs up on certain people, and screws up my calendar.

23. Go figure.

24. I think it's time to join the Blackberry Bandwagon!

My 10 Spot..she got me

Ok, I got tagged by a friend who asked me to post a blog that has 10 random or weird facts about me. So, here goes...

10. The gap I used to have in between my 2 front teeth as a youngster (you Banneker peeps remember that?), miraculously closed without the assistance of braces. That freakin dentist was right. Who knew!

9. I fell off the "No pork, No red meat wagon" and I'm trying to repeat this not so easy process all over again! Bye Bye Ribeye!

8. I love being in love.

7. I never thought I would revert back to a press & curl. Even though I've committed to it, I'm not so sure how much longer I will last on the "rediscovering my naturalness" tip!

6. I skipped school for the 1st time in the 5th grade, got caught, and my butt paid for it royally!

5. Oddly, I have really dark toes. Not the nail, just the toe! It looks crazy and I don't get it, but I wear them out anyway because they are still beautifully me!

4. This year, I plan to make my 2nd attempt at tennis. Last year was...interesting, but I'm not going to give up that easily!

3. I'm really bad about finishing things I start (see #7), but I'm getting better at it everyday (see #4)! I have resolved not to be that chick ;-)

2. I don't like much talking on the phone. I don't know what this one is about. I go through phases with the phone thing.

1. For some unforeseen reason, I cannot fall asleep at night without some type of background noise (tv, music, or something) because I am constantly thinking, "What's next?" I attribute this to my overactive brain and undiagnosed ADD!

When TV becomes real life...

I don't know why I'm on this whole wedding/relationship vibe, but I had a thought and figured I would let it rip. Here goes...

I know just about everyone in my age range has seen the episode of "A Different World" where Whitley was about to marry the Senator and Dwayne Wayne busted up the wedding at least 5 times, right? If not, watch Oxygen and you're bound to catch it. Well, remember how Kim tried to tell Whit that it was okay for her to not get married if she still had feelings for Dwayne? Let me pose a "what would you do?" scenario.

Let's say that it was your best friend that was getting married but you know that he or she is not over the ex and doesn't seem all too thrilled about the upcoming nuptials. Sure they're in love with the idea of walking down the aisle, but they don't talk about love, marriage, and all that comes along with it. What do you say to them, if anything? What would you do?

Looking forward to your comments.

I think I'll wait

-so, why are people trying to marry me off?
-I have heard all of the same things...
-you're a great catch!
-you could make a great wife!
-Blah, blah, blah....
-like I don't already know all of that, duh
-then they turn around and say, well maybe it's you
-as if to say that just because i am running down 28 y.o. in my bcbg boots sans ring that I am surely the "problem"
-I mean seriously implying that because I am not married, I am flawed, or defective
-why can't it be that I am simply not one to settle?
-I think I'll just wait on what I know I need, like, and want
-I know it seems as if I'm sitting in traffic on the Dan Ryan when I could have easily taken the El and been there an hour ago
-I don't know what's been up with me and the analogies lately
-my apologies for the reflective aside
-anyway...I've been there, tried that
-you wouldn't believe what I have had to encounter to reach my intended destination
-let me just say, in past situations, I have not been a happy camper
-certain things I can ride with
-others, not so much
-tings me no can do (accent included)...
-just downright lazy
-forever stupid
-consistently broke-means he can't plan
-futuristically broke-means he doesn't want to plan
-lackluster-I'm bright and shiny, what do I need a tarnished dude for?
-ambitionless (this one refers back to futuristically broke-they go hand in hand)
-I'm wondering how long I should make this list
-should I write what I'm thinking, or be considerate of my readers?
-bare with me
-I gotta list a few more
-funky-this one requires no further explanation
-or so stuck on himself that he's always in the mirror, while obviously not leaving me any space to check my hair!
-talk about infuriating!
-so friends, I am so not interested in those pseudo-happenstance meetings that you keep trying to set up
-I'll meet "him" when I'm ready
-and who knows...
-I may know this dude already ;-)
-if not, I still think I'll wait...I'm in no rush!